I've questioned my faith a lot in my lifetime. When bad things happen. When good things happen. Even when nothing happens. I question whether or not I should believe. Over the years I have gotten further and further away from my faith. I have let the bad things in my life convince me that I shouldn't believe.
When I was 15 I lost my mother in a very tragic way. I am now 28, almost 29; but this still haunts me every single day. She left my house with her ex-boyfriend and was never seen again. She was declared 'missing' and her body was never found.
Ever since that last day that I saw her, May 25, 2001; I have been unsure of what to believe in. I always wondered why God would let something like that happen to me. Or to anyone for that matter. As I got older, this question became stronger in my mind. I saw the world around us: murderers, school shootings, workplace shootings, rapists, etc. How could God allow all of this to happen?
I suffer daily from depression and anxiety. I questioned why God would let me suffer every single day after the tragedy that I endured. Why wouldn't He allow me a happy life?
Recently I started getting back into my faith and realized that God has a plan for everyone. It may be a tragic, difficult, sad journey; but there is a plan for me. I am here for a reason. We are all here for a reason. There is a plan for everyone. I will make it with God's help.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11).
6 comments
faith,
grief,
loss,
love,
pain,
Stephanie L,
tragedy
You are very right - God has a plan for all of us. I think that this is a question that everyone struggles with at some point in their lives. I just always remember that God has the power to control every little minute detail of our lives, but He chose to give us free will. We all have the freedom to make our own choices, but sadly this world and it's people are broken. So our choices aren't always good.
ReplyDeletePeople murder, rap, and hurt those around them. And when that happens it saddens God just as much - if not far deeper - than it does us, because He desires righteousness. But the moment Adam and Eve ate of the tree that perfect communion with God was broken.
I had a teacher in college (I went to a Bible college) explained it like this: When they ate that fruit, sin not only entered into humanity's lives. It also entered into the world. The world became broken. There was no longer perfection. The world no longer sustained itself perfectly. Sin and it's brokenness affects not only our hearts but the physical world as well. I believe that sin opened the door to natural disasters, sickness, all of it.
Wow, I didn't intend on writing such a long comment.
Stephanie, your post was beautifully honest. Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us.
Thank you for such a wonderful, heart felt reply. I wasn't sure how I felt about sharing my mom's stor (even though I really didn't share anything). It's hard for me to talk about and even harder for me to put out there for the world to see.
DeleteI really like what you teacher said.
Wow... I had no idea about your mother. That is something that could shape you in a way that would change your whole life.. so I'm glad you found a way to let GOD shape your life & seeing things - reminding you of plans. I think free will gets in there & it messes with our heads but we need to remember the HEART... that God is with us... especially in things we don't understand.
ReplyDeleteHUGS to you lady!!!
Thank you, friend. My mom is not something I talk about frequently. I used to talk about it a lot, because it helped. But, the people in my life at that time made me believe I was just doing it for attention (which now I realize they were just the wrong people to have in my life). So, I stopped talking about it because I was conditioned to believe that people would think I was seeking attention.
DeleteAnyway, thank you for your sweet comment. :)
Thank you for sharing your story! I'm sure it's difficult especially with no closure as to what happened! This is a question I still have for God. He's supposed to be our Protector. So why doesn't he stop disease or car accidents, etc? I just don't understand. I am a Christ-follower, and this is one thing I still struggle with. But He's there with us whether we understand or not. He knows our hearts. He knows our questions even before we do. And maybe one day we'll understand. Until then I just pray I can continue to lay everything at His feet no matter how difficult.
ReplyDeleteYes, I still struggle with this as well. I do believe that God has a plan for everyone, but why would he allow so much hurt in the world if he is supposed to be our Protector?
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